Transformation

Over the past year I have been witness to an amazing thing.  We found out on March 1, 2013 that my mother had gall bladder cancer.  It was devastating to our family and friends.  We asked the question WHY HER and WHY NOW many many times.

Even now I cannot grasp the gravity of the how and why.  I know that this woman helped to transform the lives of many people that I will never get to meet.  Her impact on this world may not be as well known as some women such as Rosa Parks, Susan B. Anthony or Hillary Clinton, but to many (myself included) she is an angel who walked this earth and sacrificed so much for so many and never asked for anything in return except for love.  Love of one another and love of the Lord.

Some may look at her battle over the past year and look at how much it wore her down.  I can look back and only see how it made her stronger.  She never wavered in her faith, and she never wanted to inconvenience others.  She had an attitude that she was going to overcome this from day one and never gave up.  Her drive through this is an inspiration to me, as it should be to anyone else who knew her.

She hated having to ask the nurses for help in the hospital.  She was worried about who was going to clean the house.  Worried about not having finished the book she was reading.  Worried about us driving back and forth to the hospital.  Worried about where everyone was going to sleep when we all came to visit.  Worried about what we were all going to eat.

As I reflect back on what I have seen from her during her battle I can see how she got stronger mentally and grew through all of this.

I feel like she has been preparing herself for the transformation into her eternal form.  I feel as if it is parallel to the transformation of a caterpillar to a butterfly.  It may seem like the end for a caterpillar, but what emerges is something completely different, something that can move around effortlessly and float around from one place to another.

I am sad that my mother is no longer in earthly form, however I do rejoice that she has already had a talk with Saint Peter and has entered through the gates of Heaven and she is now catching up with so many of her friends and family that are already up there. 

I have peace knowing that I will be able to see her again when it is the Lord's will for me to be done here.  I just hope that I can be half as courageous and faithful when my time comes.

And in case anyone is wondering, she did get to finish her book.  Pam finished reading it to her in the hospital in her final days.

Are you enjoying life, or just existing?

About a month ago I had a visit with my nutritionist (Ryan).  This is something that can be very dreadful for someone trying to lose weight.  My nutritionist lives in the real world.  She has never suggested a strict diet for me, or large amounts of exercise.  She focuses mainly on making small changes to have a lasting impact and lifestyle change. 

I had 2 visits this winter where I had gained weight which can be very difficult to overcome and turn around and head in the other direction.  The first visit in January, I got on the scale to find I had gained about 10 lbs.  My visit in late Feb I had gained more and had just been on the scale 2 days prior at urgent care so I did not want to weigh myself again.  I should also mention that I am not an obsessively checking my weight.  I do have a scale at home, however I have not been on that scale in over a year.  I only weigh in at doctors offices and at the nutritionist.

I had spent the previous 5 weeks being more active with my kayaking and doing some hiking.  I also mostly had been taking the stairs instead of the elevator, even to the 5th floor of some hotels I had been at.

Ryan asked me what I had been up to since our last visit.  Mind you I had been traveling like crazy, and even managed to nip up to surprise my mom for Easter.  I sat back and thought for a few seconds and responded with "Enjoying life."  She appeared to be a bit concerned with my response and she asked me to elaborate.

I explained that I had been traveling quite a bit, however I was taking time to enjoy where I was.  When in Tennessee I managed to get out and kayak on the Cumberland Reservoir a few times.  Taking a few afternoons off here and there to go out kayaking, walking or biking.  Yes, doing these for some activity but not to focus on exercise but to get out and do something in the sense of stopping to smell the roses.   Realizing that what is happening around me has never happened before, and will never happen again.  Enjoying the moment.  Every moment.  Enjoying life.

Ryan asked me how my eating had been.  I told her I was not doing any protein shakes, and that I was not counting calories or doing portion control.  I was just eating when I felt hungry, drinking plenty of fluids (mostly water) and trying to recognize when I had a bottomless pit day and to not binge on anything.  She then asked if I wanted to get on the scale.  I wanted to, however I thought that it would be about even with my visit in January (down a bit from late February).

I was absolutely shocked when I found out I was down 9 lbs since the January visit, and about 20 lbs since my February visit.

I cannot even explain how this is possible as I had pizza.  I had wings.  Not a lot, but some when I felt the craving.  I ate some salads, but not more than once a week.

My biggest explanation is that I have just been working on ME.  What do I need to do to be happy.  Slowing down a bit and enjoying life.  The last year or so has been an eye opening chapter in my life.  For the 5 years prior to this I can sum it up in 1 word:  existing.  I was not doing much of anything that I wanted to do.  I was not doing much more than getting up every day, feeding myself some food, working each day so I would have money to exist, and then going to bed at night.  I did very little for myself to make my world a better place.  I did very little for those around me to make their world better.

What did this do for me?  It made me crazy depressed (and I had no idea).  There were times when I contemplated the meaning of life and could not even begin to think of what it is for.  There were times when thoughts wondering if anyone would miss me if I just disappeared.

Life is hard.  People change.  Towns change.  Relationships change.  It is challenging to keep on top of all of this, and to also keep yourself happy.  I challenge you to take some time and reflect on yourself and try to determine if you are enjoying life, or simply existing. 

If you find you may think you are exisitng, it is not that hard to make a change.  It does not have to be a huge drastic change such as developing a kayaking obsession, becoming a marathon runner, or becoming a vegetarian.  It can be as simple as just doing 5 minutes of yoga when you wake up in the morning to start your day.  Or doing 5 pushups.  Eating 1 more piece of fruit a day.  Grabbing your camera and taking a photo of something that made you smile.  Calling up an old friend you have lost touch with.  Live with intent, have a plan or a vision of what you want to do, or where you want to go and make it happen.

Change something.  Even the smallest change can make a world of difference.

Own your identity

Have you ever been floating around in a fog, not really sure what you are doing here on this earth?  Perhaps you start singing "What's this life for" by Creed...and then hope nobody heard you singing it?

I know I have done this in the past, and I figured out that I did not have my own identity.  Sure, I had my license with my name on it, but I was more of just a no name face in a crowd.  I did not feel that I had any purpose on this earth, just floating along.  People would ask me what I do for fun, or what my hobbies were, and the only 2 hobbies I had were working and spending time with my wife.

When I moved to North Carolina over a decade ago, I had very few friends in the area (one to be exact) and with my job working from home, there was no chance I was going to meet anyone through work.  I made the choice to spend lots of time with my wife but I did little to work on my social life.  Little did I know that over the next decade that my mental heath would suffer because of this choice.  I was not owning my identity and being my own person.  I never had any answer to what I wanted to do with my life, where I wanted to go, or any aspirations for the future.  I did not try to make friends, or find any hobbies that I enjoyed doing by myself, or with others that I was not married to.

Everybody needs some time... on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone
                                                                     -Guns 'N Roses

The past few months I have made a lot of changes for myself and indulging in some passions that I have.  One of which is kayaking (which all of you should know unless you live under a rock).  It is very relaxing to me, and it is good exercise.  Using meetup.com I have met some really great people to kayak with, including one who I see every day when I am home as he and his wife are now my roommates.  I have met some other great people through some other outdoor meetups for bicycling, another outdoor activity I enjoy.  I have also dusted off my camera again and started back into my photography hobby.  No, I am not available do to your wedding, I only shoot for fun.  :-)

One of the things that I found I really enjoy above all of these things is being a genuinely good person.  Yes, I know I am a bit of a...how does one say it....jackass...however that is just part of me that I cannot turn off.  Anyone who can get past my jackassery knows how much I care about those who I call "friend".  I would do anything for them, day or night.  I have found great joy in helping others, even those I have just met, to become better people or just to learn something new that can help better themselves or enrich their lives. 

Since I have started looking at myself in the mirror and determining what I can do to become a better person, I feel I am finding my purpose, my identity again.  I have the desire to get out of bed in the morning, many days even before my alarm goes off.  I am ready to go kick some ass and take some names.

If you feel like you have lost your mojo and are just floating in a fog, depressed, felling sorry for yourself on a regular basis, try giving yourself a serious look in the mirror and figuring out what you want to do.  The toughest thing to do is to look at yourself and be able to turn off your negative inner critic.  That voice can be very devastating, try to find your caring inner critic so you can find something that you can change.  Change something, or change everything.  Just continuing along without any change is not going to fix anything, only prolog your depressive state.

Hope y'all can get to your happy place and feel like you have a fulfilling life.

What a difference a year can make!

Sometimes we may not ever sit and think about how each decision we make has led us to where we are today.

I spent the past 5 days (and will today as well) kayaking in Northern Florida with 7 others.

2 days ago I was doing some morning yoga/meditation and I thought to myself about all of the small events that led me to this point just in the last year.  As of 1-Mar-2013, I had never even sat in a kayak, or even THOUGHT about getting in a kayak.  I thought all kayaks were just for white water.  Oh, and these 7 people, I had no idea who any of them were as well as of a year ago.

In my contemplations, I realized that I met all of these folks through meetup.com.  Meetup.com was suggested by a friend that I met in January of 2010.  I would have never even considered kayaking if it were not for my wonderful sister (S)Pamela.  She is the one who is responsible for my hobby-turned- obsession.  However, it goes even further than that.  The reason I was up in New York during July and August of 2013 (when I was introduced to kayaking) was to spend time with my family.

Why was I spending time with my family for so long?  Well, 1-Mar-2013 was the day that my mother had surgery to remove her allegedly infected gall bladder.  She had been in the hospital for a week of running tests to find out what was wrong with her.  I will never forget how troubled the surgeon looked when he came in to brief us post-op.  He had the awful job of informing us that he found a large (~16 cm) tumor on her pancreas, as well as some spots/nodules on other organs in that area.  My father asked him if we should assume it is cancer.  We were told "Yes, until you are told otherwise."  I was in shock, my life had just been hit by a 10.0 on the Richter scale.

It was an agonizing month long wait to hear from the oncologist on her formal diagnosis and also her prognosis.  When that came in, we were told that with chemotherapy she would be lucky to have 5 months to live, and even less if she does not tolerate the chemo.

I am ecstatic to report that the doctors estimates did not take into account what a tough woman that my mother is.  I am proud that she is MY mother.  I know that there were times that I was mad at her as a youngster for some things, but I will never ever be embarrased or ashamed to admit that she is my mother.  She is doing very well, her prayer circle is so persistent and she is doing everything she can to feel normal.

And to get back to the topic at hand, it just boggles my mind when I start looking back and thinking about all of the tiny seemingly insignificant events and choices over the past 3+ decades has shaped me into who I am, and led me to where I am right now.  It is commonly known as the Butterfly Effect.

Just keep an open mind as you have no idea what the next year has in store for you.  Each decision you make, even as simple as deciding to stop at a yellow light vs. going through it may completely change where you will be in a year.

Lonlieness in a connected world

We live in a very connected world.  Just about everyone over the age of 16 has a smartphone (some even have two) on their hip, in their pocket or purse.  As of 2012, a study showed that per every 100 persons in the US there are 98 cell phone subscriptions.  And each day that creeps closer and closer to 100.  I would venture to say that half or more of these people have the phone within an arms reach 24 hours a day too!

I remember when data enabled cell phones came out back in the early 2000's.  We all had that one friend that thought it was SO COOL they could get their email on their phone and showed it off to everyone...over and over again.  I am so glad I was not that guy.  Now it is common place.  Heck, I remember in 2004 when I got a Palm Treo and was able to tether wirelessly to my laptop and get online.  I never showed it off to anyone, but people noticed.  Why didn't I show it off?  I didn't want to be "that guy" who annoyed everyone with their gadgets.

Anywho, back to the topic at hand.  Shortly after CrackBerries became popular I saw this Dilbert comic strip:

Now, this doesn't just apply to email, it applies to ANY notification many people get.  One of my colleagues just got an iPhone about 2  years ago.  He had never had a smartphone, but now he is an addict.  I have been in a long technical conversation with him and his email notification goes off and he HAS to check it right then.  He will just whip it out in the middle of the conversation and read/respond to it.  RUDE!

I also have a friend that when I was visiting them recently I had put my phone on the kitchen table when I got there.  We were chatting and my phone made a notification for Facebook, or something.  My friend stopped mid sentence and informed me that my phone just went off.  I told them that I am aware, I heard it, but I am not worried about it and that I will check it in a bit.  A few minutes later another notification came in.  I noticed their behavior, THEY were getting anxious and uneasy that I was not running to my phone.  This friend is someone who has their phone glued to their hand. I am guessing they sleep with their phone in their hand too, but I cannot prove it. 

That brings me to the next scary thing some people deal with now a days...sleep texting.  It has made national news, like this article on CNN: http://www.cnn.com/2013/02/22/tech/mobile/sleep-texting/.  It can extend to more than just texting like Twitter, Facebook, and other social media outlets.  Even email.

And another thing I read about is called Popcorn Brain.  Basically, using the internet and other tech devices can alter your brain.  Even watching TV, you will feel a desire to have your phone, laptop or tablet out to check on your online life.  Maybe someone emailed you, or posted something fun on your wall.

The article recommends getting away from technology when possible and socializing, daydreaming, etc.  Have you ever actually tried getting away from the internet?  It can be lonely if you don't have someone to talk to.  It ties into not having patience, and even when we are connected, how often have you just started email, facebooking, tweeting, IMing etc. friends to try to get some interaction because you are lonely?  And what happens when you don't get a response for 1 minute, 5 minutes, or even 15 minutes.  You may start to feel depressed and more alone, as if no one cares about you.  This is rarely ever the case, do remember that other people have lives that they are living. 

I have had these issues in the past 8 months since learning to live as a bachelor, however in the past 2-3 months it has gotten much better.  Mostly because I took this time to look inside myself and figure out what I need to do to find happiness.  Yes, I did do a lot of talking to myself, but I needed to talk to someone who understand me, is smart and has all the answers!  I have found happiness from within and I no longer have the loneliness that I have had in the past.  Heck, I feel less alone now that I have in years.

Happiness comes from within.  Trying to rely on others for our happiness is only a temporary solution.  Once those others leave, we still have to keep ones self happy.  Finding inner peace is a huge part of helping with this.  Dealing with the stresses and anxiety we have towards others, as well as one's self, are key to leading a happy and healthy lifestyle.  Then we will not need to rely on others to keep us feeling like we are loved.  We will know we are loved by those around us even when they are not there for us.  And try to do what you can to limit your time on your digital devices. 

Losing our Patience

One value that my wonderful Mother spent years instilling into me as a youngster was patience.  Being patient and waiting for things to happen, not rushing and not wishing your life away.

Anyone who knows me knows that I do not have very much patience. This is one thing that I have been working on, but it is tough to do.

pa·tient \ˈpā-shənt\ - adjective :

able to remain calm and not become annoyed when waiting for a long time or when dealing with problems or difficult people.

I also heard that good doctors have a lot of patience.

Looking at how life has changed in the past 2 decades that I have seen, there is a huge shift in the patience that people have in general.

I remember in 3rd grade writing to a pen pal in a neighboring school district.  Waiting weeks to hear back.  And in college, writing letters to friends and family to let them know how things were going.

When is the last time you wrote a hand written note to someone and mailed it?  I actually wrote one to my friend Lily when I sent her a gift back in January.

Why would you use traditional mail when there are lots of other forms of near instant communication such as: e-mail, SMS texting, viber, cell phones, Facebook, twitter, instagram, snapchat and I am sure there are plenty more new things up and coming in the next few years.  I have had friends who send me an e-mail about something.  When I did not respond immediately they decided use another form of (seemingly more instant) communication such as text messaging to alert me that they had sent me an e-mail.  Annoyed, I go to check my email and it is something quite insignificant that could have waited a few hours, or even days, and not affected anything or been critical.

I am curious, how many times in the past week have you sent someone a text and then stare at your phone for 5, 10, 15, or even 30 minutes waiting for them to text back.  I hate to admit it, but I have done this idiotic behavior in the past week.  It is something I need to work on.

And the younger folks, they have even less patience.  As I work with the young 20 somethings out of college, they may only be a decade behind me but they have so much less patience that even I posses.  And then looking further into the new crop of teenagers, it seems as if they have even less patience.  It is hard to know for sure because teens tend to be less patient in general, but the kids and their now generation of instant photos on their iPods, smartphones, tablets, etc. it is hard to see that the trend of less patience is going to continue to get worse.

Digital Dependence

Technology has advanced quite a bit in my time.  No more corded phones, no more encyclopedias, no more getting up to change the channel on the TV.

Can any of you actually remember having to use 2 keys to operate your car, one for the door and one for the ignition?  Having to drive around without having your phone with you?  What happens if you get a flat tire, or an accident?

I have seen many commercials in the past few years regarding getting people being addicted to their digital devices.  One is from Coleman about social networking, and another is a recent Chevy commercial and going out to lunch where all the people are on their phones and totally tune out the rest of the world.  Just yesterday I saw a Coke Commercial regarding a new product, the Social Media Guard.

The people in the office I work out of had noticed how everyone was texting, emailing and facebooking when they would go out for lunch.  They started playing a game where everyone puts their phone face down in the center of the table at the beginning of the meal.  First one to grab their phone pays the bill.  If the bill comes first, everyone pays their own share.  It sure makes you think twice about grabbing your phone, and then you will actually socialize with others without your phone.

Have you ever had anything that important come across your phone in the last year that it would matter that you responded within 30 seconds?  I know I cannot.

When someone focuses on their phone, they are REALLY focused.  I have watched people run into other people whilst texting, and even inanimate objects.  Some cities have wrapped padding around their light poles because of this!

I have seen some texting apps that use your camera so you can "see" what is coming up as you are texting.

Then there is people who use their phones while driving.  I am not talking about making a phone call, I am talking about facebook, taking pictures, texting, etc.  That is just DANGEROUS!  I used to do it, but I have not done it in a few years.  I will pull over if I feel it is that important.

Studies have shown when we focus on something, our vision goes from nearly 180 degrees to less than 5 degrees, essentially tunnel vision.

I challenge you to take a few hours a week to put down your technology.  Go for a drive without your phone.  Leave your phone in your car during a lunch with a friend.

Regain your independence.