Own your identity

Have you ever been floating around in a fog, not really sure what you are doing here on this earth?  Perhaps you start singing "What's this life for" by Creed...and then hope nobody heard you singing it?

I know I have done this in the past, and I figured out that I did not have my own identity.  Sure, I had my license with my name on it, but I was more of just a no name face in a crowd.  I did not feel that I had any purpose on this earth, just floating along.  People would ask me what I do for fun, or what my hobbies were, and the only 2 hobbies I had were working and spending time with my wife.

When I moved to North Carolina over a decade ago, I had very few friends in the area (one to be exact) and with my job working from home, there was no chance I was going to meet anyone through work.  I made the choice to spend lots of time with my wife but I did little to work on my social life.  Little did I know that over the next decade that my mental heath would suffer because of this choice.  I was not owning my identity and being my own person.  I never had any answer to what I wanted to do with my life, where I wanted to go, or any aspirations for the future.  I did not try to make friends, or find any hobbies that I enjoyed doing by myself, or with others that I was not married to.

Everybody needs some time... on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone
                                                                     -Guns 'N Roses

The past few months I have made a lot of changes for myself and indulging in some passions that I have.  One of which is kayaking (which all of you should know unless you live under a rock).  It is very relaxing to me, and it is good exercise.  Using meetup.com I have met some really great people to kayak with, including one who I see every day when I am home as he and his wife are now my roommates.  I have met some other great people through some other outdoor meetups for bicycling, another outdoor activity I enjoy.  I have also dusted off my camera again and started back into my photography hobby.  No, I am not available do to your wedding, I only shoot for fun.  :-)

One of the things that I found I really enjoy above all of these things is being a genuinely good person.  Yes, I know I am a bit of a...how does one say it....jackass...however that is just part of me that I cannot turn off.  Anyone who can get past my jackassery knows how much I care about those who I call "friend".  I would do anything for them, day or night.  I have found great joy in helping others, even those I have just met, to become better people or just to learn something new that can help better themselves or enrich their lives. 

Since I have started looking at myself in the mirror and determining what I can do to become a better person, I feel I am finding my purpose, my identity again.  I have the desire to get out of bed in the morning, many days even before my alarm goes off.  I am ready to go kick some ass and take some names.

If you feel like you have lost your mojo and are just floating in a fog, depressed, felling sorry for yourself on a regular basis, try giving yourself a serious look in the mirror and figuring out what you want to do.  The toughest thing to do is to look at yourself and be able to turn off your negative inner critic.  That voice can be very devastating, try to find your caring inner critic so you can find something that you can change.  Change something, or change everything.  Just continuing along without any change is not going to fix anything, only prolog your depressive state.

Hope y'all can get to your happy place and feel like you have a fulfilling life.

What a difference a year can make!

Sometimes we may not ever sit and think about how each decision we make has led us to where we are today.

I spent the past 5 days (and will today as well) kayaking in Northern Florida with 7 others.

2 days ago I was doing some morning yoga/meditation and I thought to myself about all of the small events that led me to this point just in the last year.  As of 1-Mar-2013, I had never even sat in a kayak, or even THOUGHT about getting in a kayak.  I thought all kayaks were just for white water.  Oh, and these 7 people, I had no idea who any of them were as well as of a year ago.

In my contemplations, I realized that I met all of these folks through meetup.com.  Meetup.com was suggested by a friend that I met in January of 2010.  I would have never even considered kayaking if it were not for my wonderful sister (S)Pamela.  She is the one who is responsible for my hobby-turned- obsession.  However, it goes even further than that.  The reason I was up in New York during July and August of 2013 (when I was introduced to kayaking) was to spend time with my family.

Why was I spending time with my family for so long?  Well, 1-Mar-2013 was the day that my mother had surgery to remove her allegedly infected gall bladder.  She had been in the hospital for a week of running tests to find out what was wrong with her.  I will never forget how troubled the surgeon looked when he came in to brief us post-op.  He had the awful job of informing us that he found a large (~16 cm) tumor on her pancreas, as well as some spots/nodules on other organs in that area.  My father asked him if we should assume it is cancer.  We were told "Yes, until you are told otherwise."  I was in shock, my life had just been hit by a 10.0 on the Richter scale.

It was an agonizing month long wait to hear from the oncologist on her formal diagnosis and also her prognosis.  When that came in, we were told that with chemotherapy she would be lucky to have 5 months to live, and even less if she does not tolerate the chemo.

I am ecstatic to report that the doctors estimates did not take into account what a tough woman that my mother is.  I am proud that she is MY mother.  I know that there were times that I was mad at her as a youngster for some things, but I will never ever be embarrased or ashamed to admit that she is my mother.  She is doing very well, her prayer circle is so persistent and she is doing everything she can to feel normal.

And to get back to the topic at hand, it just boggles my mind when I start looking back and thinking about all of the tiny seemingly insignificant events and choices over the past 3+ decades has shaped me into who I am, and led me to where I am right now.  It is commonly known as the Butterfly Effect.

Just keep an open mind as you have no idea what the next year has in store for you.  Each decision you make, even as simple as deciding to stop at a yellow light vs. going through it may completely change where you will be in a year.