Own your identity

Have you ever been floating around in a fog, not really sure what you are doing here on this earth?  Perhaps you start singing "What's this life for" by Creed...and then hope nobody heard you singing it?

I know I have done this in the past, and I figured out that I did not have my own identity.  Sure, I had my license with my name on it, but I was more of just a no name face in a crowd.  I did not feel that I had any purpose on this earth, just floating along.  People would ask me what I do for fun, or what my hobbies were, and the only 2 hobbies I had were working and spending time with my wife.

When I moved to North Carolina over a decade ago, I had very few friends in the area (one to be exact) and with my job working from home, there was no chance I was going to meet anyone through work.  I made the choice to spend lots of time with my wife but I did little to work on my social life.  Little did I know that over the next decade that my mental heath would suffer because of this choice.  I was not owning my identity and being my own person.  I never had any answer to what I wanted to do with my life, where I wanted to go, or any aspirations for the future.  I did not try to make friends, or find any hobbies that I enjoyed doing by myself, or with others that I was not married to.

Everybody needs some time... on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone
                                                                     -Guns 'N Roses

The past few months I have made a lot of changes for myself and indulging in some passions that I have.  One of which is kayaking (which all of you should know unless you live under a rock).  It is very relaxing to me, and it is good exercise.  Using meetup.com I have met some really great people to kayak with, including one who I see every day when I am home as he and his wife are now my roommates.  I have met some other great people through some other outdoor meetups for bicycling, another outdoor activity I enjoy.  I have also dusted off my camera again and started back into my photography hobby.  No, I am not available do to your wedding, I only shoot for fun.  :-)

One of the things that I found I really enjoy above all of these things is being a genuinely good person.  Yes, I know I am a bit of a...how does one say it....jackass...however that is just part of me that I cannot turn off.  Anyone who can get past my jackassery knows how much I care about those who I call "friend".  I would do anything for them, day or night.  I have found great joy in helping others, even those I have just met, to become better people or just to learn something new that can help better themselves or enrich their lives. 

Since I have started looking at myself in the mirror and determining what I can do to become a better person, I feel I am finding my purpose, my identity again.  I have the desire to get out of bed in the morning, many days even before my alarm goes off.  I am ready to go kick some ass and take some names.

If you feel like you have lost your mojo and are just floating in a fog, depressed, felling sorry for yourself on a regular basis, try giving yourself a serious look in the mirror and figuring out what you want to do.  The toughest thing to do is to look at yourself and be able to turn off your negative inner critic.  That voice can be very devastating, try to find your caring inner critic so you can find something that you can change.  Change something, or change everything.  Just continuing along without any change is not going to fix anything, only prolog your depressive state.

Hope y'all can get to your happy place and feel like you have a fulfilling life.