Lonlieness in a connected world

We live in a very connected world.  Just about everyone over the age of 16 has a smartphone (some even have two) on their hip, in their pocket or purse.  As of 2012, a study showed that per every 100 persons in the US there are 98 cell phone subscriptions.  And each day that creeps closer and closer to 100.  I would venture to say that half or more of these people have the phone within an arms reach 24 hours a day too!

I remember when data enabled cell phones came out back in the early 2000's.  We all had that one friend that thought it was SO COOL they could get their email on their phone and showed it off to everyone...over and over again.  I am so glad I was not that guy.  Now it is common place.  Heck, I remember in 2004 when I got a Palm Treo and was able to tether wirelessly to my laptop and get online.  I never showed it off to anyone, but people noticed.  Why didn't I show it off?  I didn't want to be "that guy" who annoyed everyone with their gadgets.

Anywho, back to the topic at hand.  Shortly after CrackBerries became popular I saw this Dilbert comic strip:

Now, this doesn't just apply to email, it applies to ANY notification many people get.  One of my colleagues just got an iPhone about 2  years ago.  He had never had a smartphone, but now he is an addict.  I have been in a long technical conversation with him and his email notification goes off and he HAS to check it right then.  He will just whip it out in the middle of the conversation and read/respond to it.  RUDE!

I also have a friend that when I was visiting them recently I had put my phone on the kitchen table when I got there.  We were chatting and my phone made a notification for Facebook, or something.  My friend stopped mid sentence and informed me that my phone just went off.  I told them that I am aware, I heard it, but I am not worried about it and that I will check it in a bit.  A few minutes later another notification came in.  I noticed their behavior, THEY were getting anxious and uneasy that I was not running to my phone.  This friend is someone who has their phone glued to their hand. I am guessing they sleep with their phone in their hand too, but I cannot prove it. 

That brings me to the next scary thing some people deal with now a days...sleep texting.  It has made national news, like this article on CNN: http://www.cnn.com/2013/02/22/tech/mobile/sleep-texting/.  It can extend to more than just texting like Twitter, Facebook, and other social media outlets.  Even email.

And another thing I read about is called Popcorn Brain.  Basically, using the internet and other tech devices can alter your brain.  Even watching TV, you will feel a desire to have your phone, laptop or tablet out to check on your online life.  Maybe someone emailed you, or posted something fun on your wall.

The article recommends getting away from technology when possible and socializing, daydreaming, etc.  Have you ever actually tried getting away from the internet?  It can be lonely if you don't have someone to talk to.  It ties into not having patience, and even when we are connected, how often have you just started email, facebooking, tweeting, IMing etc. friends to try to get some interaction because you are lonely?  And what happens when you don't get a response for 1 minute, 5 minutes, or even 15 minutes.  You may start to feel depressed and more alone, as if no one cares about you.  This is rarely ever the case, do remember that other people have lives that they are living. 

I have had these issues in the past 8 months since learning to live as a bachelor, however in the past 2-3 months it has gotten much better.  Mostly because I took this time to look inside myself and figure out what I need to do to find happiness.  Yes, I did do a lot of talking to myself, but I needed to talk to someone who understand me, is smart and has all the answers!  I have found happiness from within and I no longer have the loneliness that I have had in the past.  Heck, I feel less alone now that I have in years.

Happiness comes from within.  Trying to rely on others for our happiness is only a temporary solution.  Once those others leave, we still have to keep ones self happy.  Finding inner peace is a huge part of helping with this.  Dealing with the stresses and anxiety we have towards others, as well as one's self, are key to leading a happy and healthy lifestyle.  Then we will not need to rely on others to keep us feeling like we are loved.  We will know we are loved by those around us even when they are not there for us.  And try to do what you can to limit your time on your digital devices. 

Losing our Patience

One value that my wonderful Mother spent years instilling into me as a youngster was patience.  Being patient and waiting for things to happen, not rushing and not wishing your life away.

Anyone who knows me knows that I do not have very much patience. This is one thing that I have been working on, but it is tough to do.

pa·tient \ˈpā-shənt\ - adjective :

able to remain calm and not become annoyed when waiting for a long time or when dealing with problems or difficult people.

I also heard that good doctors have a lot of patience.

Looking at how life has changed in the past 2 decades that I have seen, there is a huge shift in the patience that people have in general.

I remember in 3rd grade writing to a pen pal in a neighboring school district.  Waiting weeks to hear back.  And in college, writing letters to friends and family to let them know how things were going.

When is the last time you wrote a hand written note to someone and mailed it?  I actually wrote one to my friend Lily when I sent her a gift back in January.

Why would you use traditional mail when there are lots of other forms of near instant communication such as: e-mail, SMS texting, viber, cell phones, Facebook, twitter, instagram, snapchat and I am sure there are plenty more new things up and coming in the next few years.  I have had friends who send me an e-mail about something.  When I did not respond immediately they decided use another form of (seemingly more instant) communication such as text messaging to alert me that they had sent me an e-mail.  Annoyed, I go to check my email and it is something quite insignificant that could have waited a few hours, or even days, and not affected anything or been critical.

I am curious, how many times in the past week have you sent someone a text and then stare at your phone for 5, 10, 15, or even 30 minutes waiting for them to text back.  I hate to admit it, but I have done this idiotic behavior in the past week.  It is something I need to work on.

And the younger folks, they have even less patience.  As I work with the young 20 somethings out of college, they may only be a decade behind me but they have so much less patience that even I posses.  And then looking further into the new crop of teenagers, it seems as if they have even less patience.  It is hard to know for sure because teens tend to be less patient in general, but the kids and their now generation of instant photos on their iPods, smartphones, tablets, etc. it is hard to see that the trend of less patience is going to continue to get worse.

Digital Dependence

Technology has advanced quite a bit in my time.  No more corded phones, no more encyclopedias, no more getting up to change the channel on the TV.

Can any of you actually remember having to use 2 keys to operate your car, one for the door and one for the ignition?  Having to drive around without having your phone with you?  What happens if you get a flat tire, or an accident?

I have seen many commercials in the past few years regarding getting people being addicted to their digital devices.  One is from Coleman about social networking, and another is a recent Chevy commercial and going out to lunch where all the people are on their phones and totally tune out the rest of the world.  Just yesterday I saw a Coke Commercial regarding a new product, the Social Media Guard.

The people in the office I work out of had noticed how everyone was texting, emailing and facebooking when they would go out for lunch.  They started playing a game where everyone puts their phone face down in the center of the table at the beginning of the meal.  First one to grab their phone pays the bill.  If the bill comes first, everyone pays their own share.  It sure makes you think twice about grabbing your phone, and then you will actually socialize with others without your phone.

Have you ever had anything that important come across your phone in the last year that it would matter that you responded within 30 seconds?  I know I cannot.

When someone focuses on their phone, they are REALLY focused.  I have watched people run into other people whilst texting, and even inanimate objects.  Some cities have wrapped padding around their light poles because of this!

I have seen some texting apps that use your camera so you can "see" what is coming up as you are texting.

Then there is people who use their phones while driving.  I am not talking about making a phone call, I am talking about facebook, taking pictures, texting, etc.  That is just DANGEROUS!  I used to do it, but I have not done it in a few years.  I will pull over if I feel it is that important.

Studies have shown when we focus on something, our vision goes from nearly 180 degrees to less than 5 degrees, essentially tunnel vision.

I challenge you to take a few hours a week to put down your technology.  Go for a drive without your phone.  Leave your phone in your car during a lunch with a friend.

Regain your independence.

Built to Last

Have you ever heard someone say "things aren't built like they used to be?"

Ever wonder why that is?  My parents bought a trailer for their lake place in 1992 and the trailer is from the 1960's if I recall.  It came with a fridge from that era, and the fridge still ran and worked great up until at least the mid 2000's.  Sure, it was small, and it probably used way more power than a new modern one did, but the point it, it still worked.

I remember my father always said, "Use it up, wear it out, for if you don't, you will be without."

Basically, don't replace something just because there is somehting new out there.  Use it until it is no longer usable.

It seems that with many products we buy today that the usable life is truncated and things don't last like they used to.  Although I have no proof of it, I can surmise it has to do with one thing - PROFIT.  If companies make things that last forever, they will not make as much money if it lasts 50 years vs. 5 years.

Almost a year ago I got frustrated with how much money I was wasting to keep my face shaved.  I started looking at alternatives and  I ran across wet shaving with a double edge safety razor.  It is cheaper in the long run (and even in the first year it is cheaper) and I get a much smoother and enjoyable shave.  I actually ENJOY shaving instead of dreading the ripping, tugging and tearing that the Fusion cartridges were giving me.  I spend about $0.10 a week on a blade instead of $2.50 (new Fusion Power cartridge every other week).  Yeah, that is $5.20 a year on blades.

One of my friends also started shaving this way using an old Gillette adjustable DE razor.  Gillette no longer makes DE razor bodies, only the blades.  My friend asked me why this is since the Gillette razor was better than his Edwin Jager (because it is adjustable so he can make it less aggressive on his sensitive neck).

The answer is simple - MONEY.  Gillette can make MORE money by marketing products like the Fusion Power with their 5+1 blades and most people will think it is better as it has more blades, but most of the people shaving today have never shaved with a DE or even a straight razor to know what it is all about.

So keep that in mind the next time some ad on TV sounds so great with their corporate hype.  Like AT&T's MORE is BETTER!  I disagree, I got away from AT&T because at my house with 3-4 bars of service I will drop at least 3 calls every hours.

More is not always better, and don't be afraid to go back and do things the way that they used to be done.

Sometimes I think we may be better off sticking to old ways of doing some things. 

Running on fumes

Have you ever truly run out of gas?  In my car, I never have.  I do remember one time where I nearly did and my car was starting to cut out going up a hill.  Luckily I found a gas station around the next bend and was able to refill so I could keep going.

Recently, I had an experience where my body was literally running on fumes.  Due to some sinus congestion and inflammation, I was not able to get restful sleep for nearly 2 weeks.  I was traveling abroad, which I am sure contributed to the issue, but it also meant it was not feasible for me to go see my doctor to have it looked at.

Now, I want to elaborate - I hate going to see any medical professionals that are not my primary doctor.  My PCP is awesome, and I am lucky to have stumbled upon him when I did.  He is very realistic, down to earth, and understands that outside of a physical, I am only going to go see a doctor when I am thinking I am going to die if I don't go.  I have had issues going to urgent care facilities as they don't beleive me when I tell them that I had a temperature of 94°.  They thought that is impossible.  It was not impossible, I had a temperature of 94°.

Anywho, I spent 2 weeks, most of which I was in Qatar, getting no more than 4 hours of sleep a night and usually in 1-2 hour bursts.  I spent many hours awake in my hotel room pacing around going stir crazy.  My mind was not refreshed, or thinking properly.  It was literally running on fumes.  The only reason I could ever get to sleep was when I could barely keep awake or stand up.

The best analogy I can come up with for this is that it was like I was driving and my car was almost out of gas.  I found a gas station, and for whatever reason I could only manage to squeeze in 1-2 gallons of gas in the tank.  No real explanation why this was the case, but it just would not take any more.  So I had to continue on until I was on fumes again and stop for more.  I was frustrated that I could not just fill my tank up and then be all set for the day.

One of the big things I noticed is that when your body does not get what it needs, it tends to act....well...a bit weird.  I had many thoughts that actually scare the hell out of me that even crossed my mind about life, and what we are doing here on this earth.  I was truly living in a fog just living one moment to the next and not feeling like I had any purpose or drive to move forward towards a greater goal.  I was bored, had cabin fever and nothing seemed to entertain me.  Facebook, reading books, watching TV, playing smartphone games, youtube, etc. all seemed to fall short of anything I wanted to our could focus on for any length of time. 

After I returned to the 'States, I made an appointment to see my doctor and he got me squared away with some medicine, and all I can say is that drugs can be a wonderful thing when used properly.  I finally was able to get the sleep that I needed to get my mind, body and soul back on the proper track.

But, as humans we need more than just the basic needs of food, shelter and sleep.  Those are the bare minimum that we need to survive, there are many other facets of our lives that need to be nurtured in order for us to live happy and fulfilling life.  Over the past few months I have been working on many of these without realizing how much it would really change me, and how much some of these things are lacking.

With the fact that I no longer have my wife living in the same dwelling as I am, my social interaction when I am at home has gone way down.  Living in a 3 bedroom house as a bachelor is a huge change and can get lonely at times.  I have had to look for social interaction outside of my house which is something I have not had to do for more than a decade.  I do not get daily external interaction, however I do get more than enough to keep myself in check.  I am a very extroverted person (which is an understatement to anyone who knows me).

One other facet of my life that has gotten neglected over the past decade or more is my spiritual side.  I was brought up in a religious household and had many neighbors and friends that were (and still are) very active in the religious community.  In the past 3 months or so I have realized how much this aspect of me has been neglected, and it has affected my life in many negative ways.  I am not proud of this, but I am also not sad about it.  There is nothing that can be done about the past, all I can do is to move forward and change my future and nurture my soul to help it grow and feel a purpose.

With that said, I hope you all take some time to evaluate yourselves, mind body and soul, to make sure you are giving it the fuel it needs to allow it to run at its top performance.  Feeding my body pizza and beer for every meal is not going to allow me to sustain a long healthy life.  The same applies to neglecting my spiritual side as I am a spiritual being.  Not everyone has the same needs, just like every car has different needs for fuel and maintenance to keep it running in its best shape.

Forgiveness vs reconciliation

One item that most people are taught is the idea of forgiveness.  In my youth as a Christian, one value that I learned from the church was to ask for forgiveness and also to forgive anyone who has wronged me in the past.

Many people struggle with forgiveness, and especially the premise of forgive and forget.  The latter part can be very difficult to deal with.  

Recently, I was reading a book called Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud and it has a chapter that talked about how so many people struggle with the idea of forgiving, mostly because they are confused about what this really means.

for·give - /fərˈgiv/ - verb - stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.

One will quickly notice that the definition of forgive mentions nothing about actually interacting with someone regarding the angry feelings about the offense. 

Most people tend to think that if we forgive someone that we are putting things back to normal, the way they were before said offense occurred.  This may not be the case, the process of mending a relationship is called reconciliation.

rec·on·cil·i·a·tion - /ˌrekənˌsilēˈāSHən/ - noun - the restoration of friendly relations.


Forgiveness is something that we choose to do, and it is all internal to our being and thoughts.  One does not have to tell anyone that they are forgiven, it is just simply something that we do when we are ready.  Yes, it can be tough to do, however I have found that it is crucial in moving forward and growing as a person. But, just because I choose to stop feeling anger or resentment towards a person does NOT mean that we are back to normal in our friendship.  I may choose not to reconcile with them for some time, or even ever.

Take this example:
Lets say you punch me in the face.  Hard.  Yes, there is a damn good chance that I deserved it because I am a first class jackass.

I will at some point (usually fairly quickly) forgive you for punching me in the face.  All this means is that I am choosing to no longer feel anger or hatred towards you for said act.  In many cases, it is very helpful to do this as when we hold anger inside and do not deal with it, it tends to fester and cause stress issues that can be harmful to ourselves.

However, I may choose not to reconcile with you for punching me in the face depending on a few factors:
Reason you punched me (what was I doing to you that provoked you to punch me)
Remorse - do you seem remorseful for punching me, or do you feel no remorse and would do it again
Apology - if you apologize for said action

Now there is no set formula to say that I would not reconcile with you if you felt no remorse because I truly deserved it for stealing that last bite of your prime rib that was in the very center, or perhaps I had just made you the punchline of a joke that offended you.  In this case, it may be up to ME to show remorse for my actions more than you need to show remorse.  Same goes for the apology.

After having read this passage, and taking some time to reflect on it and what it means to forgive, it has been extremely helpful for me to understand that as a human that I need to offer forgiveness to anyone who has ever wronged me in the past, and also to those who will wrong me in the future.  I need to do this for one person, ME.  It is not healthy to harbor anger, hate or resentment towards anyone.  It only does one thing - eats us up inside and causes us to be a sad, depressed and/or hateful person.

I truly believe that I have forgiven anyone in my past who has done me wrong and I am at peace.  That is not to say that I am on speaking terms with everyone who has done me wrong in the past, but they should take comfort in the fact that I am not angry or mad at them.

Brutal Honesty

Honesty is the quality of being honest.

hon·est  - adjective \ˈä-nəst\
1 - good and truthful : not lying, stealing, or cheating
2 - showing or suggesting a good and truthful character
3 - not hiding the truth about someone or something : not meant to deceive someone

Honesty is one of the qualities we are all taught at a young age.  Do not lie, tell the truth.  If you want true, brutal honesty, ask a child (5-10 years old) what they think of something.  Most humans of this age have not learned about being honest vs. being nice and saying something that won't hurt someone else's feelings.

Have you ever heard a child ask their mom or dad whilst in public - Why is that guy so fat?  Yes, I have heard this when in public.  It is no secret that I have a little bit of what you might refer to as a "weight problem".  Do I get offended when someone calls me fat to my face, or makes comments about it when in ear shot?

No.  Why not, I should have the right to get offended at this, however it is no secret that I am what the medical field refers to as morbidly obese.  It is a choice I have made (consciously or subconsciously) to consume more calories every day than I use.  Not everyone views it this way, and it is a struggle for many of us every day.  I may be overweight, however I am not just a lazy guy.  I am able to climb flights of stairs and quite often I will opt for the stairs over the elevator unless it is over about 8-10 flights, or I have heavy suitcases to carry. I am comfortable and confident in owning the fact that I am what I am.

Why are we so afraid to be honest with each other as adults?  Best I can surmise is that it has to do with the human need to be social and have friends to share our lives with.  We do not want to say anything to offend someone else for fear that they may stop associating with us.

I have had my fair shares of being brutally honest with my friends and family.  I can tell you that there will be 1 of 3 outcomes from a dose of brutal honest:
1 - They will never want to talk to you ever again
2 - They are mad for a while but eventually realize number 3
3 - They will respect you for being frank and earnest with them and not trying to placate them.

In my experience, most of my friends end up in the third category eventually.  Their instinct is to jump into the second category, but after thinking about what was said and realizing that it is just honesty they tend to come around to respecting me for voicing my opinion.  If they choose to jump into the first category and stay there, then I really don't care to have them as my friend. 

"I'd rather you hate me for everything I am than have you love me for something that I can't (be)"

   - Five Finger Death Punch

I have had some experiences lately where I have chosen NOT to be brutally honest with some people I have been around as have they made the same decision.  What has happened is our relationship was based on half-truths because we were not both being 100% honest with each other about our relationship.  This caused things in our friendship to appear to be good, when really we were walking on thin ice.

When this happens, it is hard to say what will happen when the ice gives way.  Will it be every person for themselves, or will you both work together to get out of the frigid waters together and back to safety?

With that being said, I am going to embrace being honest with those I love and care about.  If it offends you and you cant take it, then it is best that we part ways. I have said for many years - I am an equal opportunity offender.

I am not concerned about losing friends by doing this.  I know my core closest friends that will be there for me no matter what (even if it involves a walk in the woods at night with a shovel and a body) if I am brutally honest with them. 

This is not to say that I am going to offer my opinion to everyone I know and tell them what I think about their appearance, how they are raising their children, or their choice in music.  However if someone asks me if their jeans make their butt look fat, I am not going to tell them what they want to hear, I will tell them what I truly feel even if this means that we do not talk again for a while, or ever.  Best to be truthful to them so they do not make a fool out of themselves.

Building your team

team - noun \ tēm\ : a group of people who work together

The definition of team is a bit ambiguous as to how well they work together, or what they are working towards, however one would assume that the entire team would be working towards a common goal, and that they should also work well together.

Most of us will immediately think of the teams of our favorite sport, such as football, baseball, basketball, rugby, soccer, or even NASCAR race teams.

All of these teams have a goal - to be the best in their sport and to beat other teams in their league.  As many of you know, I am an avid Buffalo Bills and also Sabres fan.  I am quite used to having my team NOT do very well and they rarely accomplish their goals.  The Sabres are still DEAD LAST in the NHL conference as a whole for this year.

So, what happens when a team is not doing well?  Changes need to be made.  Those who are performing poorly tend to be cut from the team, and it may be necessary to find out why some players are not working well with others on the team.  If these changes do not work, it may be necessary to make even bigger changes that involve changing the team's leadership (coaches).

Even then it still may take time for the changes to help out.  Keep in mind all of the other teams are doing everything they can to improve themselves and be the best they can be too! 

I have a few friends that when they need something they will post something on a social media site that begins with "Team" followed by their name.

I think this is a neat concept and feel honored that these people think of me as someone who is on their team.

This got me thinking about my team, what the goals are, and who I want on my team.  Now, there is not an option to swap out the coach on Team John, however the players on the team should be there to help him out.  Some members on the team are there for moral support, some for comedic relief, and others to be cheerleaders. 

There are others that are on my team that used to be helpful for me and my goals, but now they are just riding the pine as of late.

Needless to say I have been doing a lot of thinking about my team roster, and what needs to be done to keep my team performing the best that it can. 

Keep in mind that just because I have you as a friend/follower on a social media site does not mean you are automatically on my team, that is a privilige that is only afforded to a select few.  You know who you are, and when I make my cuts, you may not know it right away, but you will learn soon enough when things change between us and I no longer come an lean on you for support.  But those who are on Team John, you are well aware of who you are and I am very greatful to have you in my life to support me on this journey. 

I strongly urge all of you to think about the team that you have assembled to help you on your journey through life and work on building a team that is there to help push you to be the best you can be and also get you to the goals you want to accomplish in life and most importantly love you and support you for who you are.