One item that most people are taught is the idea of forgiveness. In my youth as a Christian, one value that I learned from the church was to ask for forgiveness and also to forgive anyone who has wronged me in the past.
Many people struggle with forgiveness, and especially the premise of forgive and forget. The latter part can be very difficult to deal with.
Recently, I was reading a book called Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud and it has a chapter that talked about how so many people struggle with the idea of forgiving, mostly because they are confused about what this really means.
for·give - /fərˈgiv/ - verb - stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.
One will quickly notice that the definition of forgive mentions nothing about actually interacting with someone regarding the angry feelings about the offense.
Most people tend to think that if we forgive someone that we are putting things back to normal, the way they were before said offense occurred. This may not be the case, the process of mending a relationship is called reconciliation.
rec·on·cil·i·a·tion - /ˌrekənˌsilēˈāSHən/ - noun - the restoration of friendly relations.
Forgiveness is something that we choose to do, and it is all internal to our being and thoughts. One does not have to tell anyone that they are forgiven, it is just simply something that we do when we are ready. Yes, it can be tough to do, however I have found that it is crucial in moving forward and growing as a person. But, just because I choose to stop feeling anger or resentment towards a person does NOT mean that we are back to normal in our friendship. I may choose not to reconcile with them for some time, or even ever.
Take this example:
Lets say you punch me in the face. Hard. Yes, there is a damn good chance that I deserved it because I am a first class jackass.
I will at some point (usually fairly quickly) forgive you for punching me in the face. All this means is that I am choosing to no longer feel anger or hatred towards you for said act. In many cases, it is very helpful to do this as when we hold anger inside and do not deal with it, it tends to fester and cause stress issues that can be harmful to ourselves.
However, I may choose not to reconcile with you for punching me in the face depending on a few factors:
Reason you punched me (what was I doing to you that provoked you to punch me)
Remorse - do you seem remorseful for punching me, or do you feel no remorse and would do it again
Apology - if you apologize for said action
Now there is no set formula to say that I would not reconcile with you if you felt no remorse because I truly deserved it for stealing that last bite of your prime rib that was in the very center, or perhaps I had just made you the punchline of a joke that offended you. In this case, it may be up to ME to show remorse for my actions more than you need to show remorse. Same goes for the apology.
After having read this passage, and taking some time to reflect on it and what it means to forgive, it has been extremely helpful for me to understand that as a human that I need to offer forgiveness to anyone who has ever wronged me in the past, and also to those who will wrong me in the future. I need to do this for one person, ME. It is not healthy to harbor anger, hate or resentment towards anyone. It only does one thing - eats us up inside and causes us to be a sad, depressed and/or hateful person.
I truly believe that I have forgiven anyone in my past who has done me wrong and I am at peace. That is not to say that I am on speaking terms with everyone who has done me wrong in the past, but they should take comfort in the fact that I am not angry or mad at them.
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